Ode to my city - Kathmandu.

Do your puja and then for the love of Kathmandu, step out. Take a walk or take a ride but step out. My goodness, you look beautiful my love, my Kathmandu. (In love again) <3 (My Facebook update).

     It was cold. It was beautiful. Every space filled with light. It was beautiful. Our decision to drive around the city was a good call. We, as in I and my friends, were listening to "Facing West" by The Staves in a loop. This moment was perfect. Beautiful and perfect. I fell in love with the city again (like I ever stopped loving it).

     Dipawali is my favorite festival, always been. Reminds me of everything good in life - light, music, food, family, fun and above all the palpable happiness all around me.

     As we were crossing the bridge in Kupondole, I decided to get off the car. They followed and then we stared at nothingness - silently. My goodness I missed this for six years. Six years of Dipawali lights. Six years of this magical moment. Six years of of Kathmandu at its best. At that moment, at that exact moment I could have been the happiest person alive. Dear blog buds, I wish you get the things you deserve and most importantly deserve the things you get. Stay insaney happy - now and always. =))

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Such different lives we live.

(turns the radio on)
I fiddle the knob of the radio.
Roam the dial for the distant sounds -
on the short and long wavelengths.
Stretch the antenna,
that towers high above my head.
Strange whispering.
Hiss and Hoosh.
Rising of the ocean.
Falling of a distant tree.
Dit dit and Dot dot.
Monks chanting vespers.
Booming of a Big Ben.
Lovers kissing.
Kingdoms falling.
Children laughing their heart's content.
Woes of mother over her dead child.
Bullets, bombs and missiles.
Stories.
Voices.
Songs.
Plays.
BBC.
Life...

Such different lives we live.
Wish I could live them all.
(turns the radio off)
#shyless

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until life responds back...

     "And above all else, remember : Life is infinitely more awesome than what you see on a postcards and Facebook photos." With this I ended the conversation with the friend who was mulling over the fact that he feels trapped and that life is just not shaping up the way he wanted. Sure, we've all had the moments of crisis. We've all done considerable soul searching and panicked. But it is easy to forget how perfectly life works out. When you are down, you believe that things never work in your favor. But if you look back, you see that, in many cases, things happened exactly the way they needed to be.

     My friend's brother just travelled all the way across the globe to Brazil. Took ample pictures with Cristo Redentor, walked on the sandy shores of Copacabana. Posted around 200 pictures (seriously!!!) on Facebook just to make sure everyone knows he made it there. It was both of their dreams to go there. And now that his brother made it there, gives the considerable reasons to get some mini pangs in his heart. I understand the feeling completely. I mean, if life had been as I imagined it to be I'd have travelled half the globe by now. Not to mention how incredibly filthy rich I thought I'd be by this time. We've all got the word for it, "DREAMS." And simply because its not happening now doesn't mean it won't happen ever. Sometimes we eye the grass on the other side of the fence so much so that we forget and ignore the green pastures under our feet. And pastures aren't bad either. My friend, still young, has done pretty good job as well - he's got a decent job, steady relation (5 years is good), travelled a lot (and sure Brazil is not too far). Sometimes, we just need to butt our head against the wall and come back to our senses. For all I know his brother is stalking my friend's Facebook and feeling bad over tons of stuff he's missing out on (including the friend like me, yay)! So dear blog buds don't you dare to forget that the  life is infinitely more awesome than what you see on a postcards and Facebook photos. Keep dreaming until life responds and gives you a grizzly hug. Stay insanely happy.

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this too shall pass*

     I tend to talk upbeat. I try to talk positive. And dear readers, get real that doesn't mean that I'm upbeat and positive 27 X 7. Whenever negative emotions wraps me in its bubble, I handle it in the only way I can; by AVOIDING IT. I've, often times, mentally bookmarked that in life, "YOU NEED TO FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT." But can we really convince ourselves that we're happy when we aren't. Hence, I propose a new theory, "feeling positive is lot more important than being positive." Light, white, love, saint these words exists only because of their opposites dark, black, hate, devil. Think about it; you hate someone and that makes the people you love that much meaningful. Saints are blissful because of devils (not that am suggesting love-hate, saint-devil are interdependent). So the question lingers how do we deal with negatives?
     While ago I had asked a similar question (in one of my many blog posts) and I had answered myself, "get distractions." Distractions as in meet new friends, YouTube funny videos, blah blah blah. But here's the catch... they are merely distractions after all and thus, the pressing matter of heart still remains. Ain't no real solution I say. So what do we do? I donno if you ask me. I don't have a fucking clue.
     I'm a positive person, MOSTLY. But things have their way of getting into my head and pissing me off. What got me to writing this particular blog is the negative feeling garnered after having talked to my best friend. Urgh, even best of friends can piss you crazy sometimes (no elaborations, ya'll know that just too well). I'd say you'll never understand how negative you can be if you've never truly been in love. The feeling of jealousy and possessiveness are really heightened when you're in love. Showing you in bare naked way how vulnerable truly you're and how easily hurt you can be... no matter how strong you pretend to be. The sweet pang of love have hurt us all in ways which we all now chose to ignore.


     I had drafted this blog post (I don't know for how long) and now I forgot the purpose and motivation behind as to why I was writing whatever I was writing (oh'crap)!!! *Thinking... still thinking!!!* How do I conclude the post now. I've no fucking clue as to what I was thinking while I was writing this blog post. But continue and deduce a conclusion I must.


     (Out of topic) Long time ago one friend had told me that we can barely trust ourselves, let alone others. She gave me an example. Ten years ago if I had asked her as to what her favorite color was, she'd have answered "Red." Years passed and now she'd pick "Blue." Point to be noted. How can you claim to have judged a person correctly when you can barely judge your own characters and choices. Similarly, I had a certain motive while I was writing this blog post. But instead of finishing it, I chose to draft it (such lazy bum I'm)!!! And now I've lost that original motive but found a new one. That is "you think whatever you have to think (good, bad or evil) at the present but know for sure that you'll feel something else later in the future. So cut yourself some slack and enjoy. You might be obsessed about that bitch who you hate so much now but in near future tables will turn; you'll prolly drown in passionate love with someone. And while in such good feelings and relations remind yourself that they might not last forever. So try to grab onto it and enjoy it while it lasts."
     The conclusion to the blog post might be completely different from the original idea but not any less intriguing; that our ideas will change, so will the people we choose to love. Motives will change, so will the choices we make. Nothing is permanent - Health, Wealth nor Beauty. Yes, everything is temporary - Troubles, Embarrassments, Pain. Grab onto the good bits and try to hold onto 'em. I leave you all with my favorite quote. And don't you all just read it. Think about it.

"Drink wine.

This is life eternal.

This is all youth will give you.

This is the season of roses, wine and drunken friends.

Be happy for this moment,

this moment is your life."

Indeed, THIS MOMENT IS YOUR LIFE.

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between the ticks and the tocs.

     Much awaited Friday is here. And it's a day off. So, practically weekend starts right now for me.
     It's 7:53. Way too early for me to be up and typing. I used to love getting up early (back when I was a high school kid). Mini morning walks and walking a dog were such delights. To sum up I had fun creating a the time to savor my morning. And today am thinking what happened to that guy!!! Time devoured me and I'm not a morning person at all, not now. PAUSE. I just opened my curtain. I drink in the rising sun like a cup of coffee.
     Past few months I've been busy travelling and attending people who came to visit Shanghai. Even as I type I've a friend in a room who came to visit me from across the continent. Needless to say we've been busy city trotting and planning new things to do. That apart, school keeps me busy. With so much going on in my life, I've realized how easy it is to get caught up in where you are going in life - rather than enjoying where you are.
     And where I'm is right here. It's between the two solid second hand sounds of the clock that life happens. I've actively participated all my life - in terms of decisions and choices, in creating the life I have right now. All the choices and people I've met led me to this very moment where I sit and type. And instead of taking in a long breath and savoring it, I find myself looking ahead of me. Yes, it's between the silent and swift tick-tocks of the second hand of the clock that life happens.
     PAUSE. Thoughts shrugged off. I remind myself "Quality of the present time is all that matters. Make it Joyous." I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee and dedicating a day for myself (Whoelse???). And wishing you all the same - Day Full of Joy. Yay*

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*Make thyself happy*

     Fuck grammar!!! For a change let's treat Happiness not like an adjective but like a noun. Yes, a noun. Let's treat it like an object we are supposed to chase after. Feelings (adjectives) are distorted, you can't exactly weigh emotions but objects (nouns) on the other hand are visible and hence approachable. I shall hereby repeat - 'nothing comes automatic (unless there is fairy god mother who's willingly waving her magical wand), so work towards what you want.'

• If you've people who are dictating your life and telling you that you can't do certain something, punch them (not literally) on the face and show them that you can. And in case you fail, hide yourself under the table for sometime. Trust me you are more resilient than you think.
• Let go of 'I don't care attitude.' Everybody cares about what the other people says. Why do we care? Dang, because they are people. So hold your calm and do what you gotta do. Things will get better.
• Okay, I understand you'd not go to the person and literally (like literally) express that you care about 'em but show that you care whichever way you can. You wouldn't want to die before 'em knowing how much they meant to you (Did I just say death, Oh!!! Dark subject).
• Let yourself be happy. Cut the crap and crappy people out of your life. Hold the close ones tight. Buy yourself things - your favorite chocolate, that dress you want, that gizmo you've been eying on, every this and that you want (Here's the catch - bargain if you can and try not to run out of your credit).
• Drink hot chocolate, indulge in alcohol (drive safe), get more sunshine, keep touch with friends, initiate a phone call (don't give excuses like "i was going to call you"), laugh, dance and Facebook (Life is simple).
• Read good books. Hate reading... then watch good movies. Go outside and travel. Try new foods and meet people. People are  perennial source of entertainment. Happy people makes you happy.
• Bitch about people you don't like (know who to bitch to or with). It does good to you when you let go and ventilate out the negativity. It makes more space for good. So bitch and let go.
• Ask for what you want: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! So just say it!
• Stand up if you want to be seen. Speak up if you want to be heard.
• We are not standardized, processed sausages meant to look, taste and feel the same. Be glad that you are weird and different.
• Show that you are happy. Go and be sad when you have to. Express when you are angry.
• Remember, the things I wrote up there (and I was thinking and typing simultaneously) are just a reminder. We all know what to do. The real question is why don't we do it. And answer to that I don't know myself. But once in a while, all you need is a reminder. So, last in the list should be the reminder that we all deserve to feel good and be happy. If you love yourself and life that much, you'll have to work towards it.
• Before I go, I just want to say Fuck my List. Make your own and boogie your life away. After all, nobody knows you better than yourself (super chiché ) so, just follow your gut feeling. If your gut feeling fails you. Simple, follow the next gut feeling that follows. YAY!!!

P.S. When you make your list, do it in less than 5 minutes. Over thinking will lead you nowhere. Hasta luego.

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*The United Colors of Benetton*

     Very aptly named - The United Colors of Benetton - does it again. The new ad campaign from Italian clothing company United Colors of Benetton called “Unhate" is nothing but controversial. At first, the images are shocking. President Obama planting a kiss on Chinese President Hu Jintao’s lips. German Chancellor Angela Merkel smooches French President Nicolas Sarkozy, her nation’s economic rival.  The images are digitally manipulated but they send a pointed message. The newly unveiled UNHATE Foundation seeks to promote a culture of tolerance and combat hatred around the world (quite obviously not  the latest political scandal).  Already a source of controversy - the images to me sends a direct message - UNHATE. The company is known for its striking, and often controversial, ads. Past ads have shown a priest kissing a nun, a white baby breast-feeding from a black woman and three human hearts with the words “white,” “black” and “yellow” printed over them.

     I've always been a big fan of Benetton ad campaigns. In the world where there are discrimination's based on color, race, sexuality (legally and in personal level), the company promotes all colors, races, sexuality pointedly and with flair.  It doesn't follow rules, as most of us would.  Gays, Black, White, Yellow, Oriental, Aryans, Caucasians, Negros, Hispanics... all have a place in their ads and hence called The United Colors of Benetton instead of The Colors of Benetton. Big shoutout to UNHATE.

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the porch of darkness....!!

  
     Two things were prominent about Mrs. Shrestha - her height (almost 180 cm.s) and her salt and pepper hair. She was around 50 and looked every bit her age. Every morning as a ritual, she would drink countless cups of tea and tend to her plants. Mr. Shrestha, her husband, was known to be mostly confined to his bed and was rarely seen outside. Their flat on the ground floor was situated in such a way, that while entering or leaving the building, you had to pass by the Shrestha's porch. They were among the original members of the society and suggested by Mrs. Shrestha, the building was named 'Whispers.' 

     Aamir and Maya were the newest tenants and lived on the sixth floor. Their relationship with the Shrestha's were based mostly on casual and occasional exchange of pleasantries. However, Aamir  was always puzzled by appearance and bearing of Mrs. Shrestha, especially when, sometimes very late at night, she'd sit on her large easy chair on the porch, just staring into space. Rumors floating around the building gave the impression that Mrs. Shrestha was not quite normal. It was said the their youngest daughter had committed suicide two years ago. The incident had affected her so badly that she had developed bouts of insomnia. Whenever she did get some sleep, she was seen sleep walking.

disclaimer : googled pic.

  "This damn traffic drives me insane!!", said exasperated Aamir one evening. "And I am supposed to go back to the office to complete the contract papers. I think we should think about moving somewhere closer to work", he added. Maya, his wife, showed no interest in his frustrated outpourings and simply served him an early dinner and packed him off again around 8:30 pm. While going out of the building Aamir saw Mrs. Shrestha sitting on her large easy chair there on the dark porch and looking straight ahead into nothing. Her mouth was slightly open and her tall frame, covered mostly by her hair, was covered in the chair.
  Starting his car, Aamir kept thinking of Mrs. Shrestha and felt very uncomfortable. However, soon heavy traffic distracted him. After a fairly long and aggravating time at the office, Aamir headed back towards home. The roads were almost deserted now, and only the street lights and stray doges were prominent. 
  As soon as Aamir parked his car and got out, he realized that Mrs. Shrestha was still sitting in the same posture he had left her in. In fact, but for the street light, he might not have noticed her. Walking past her porch, Aamir avoided eye contact. 

"Hello, Mr. Acharya! Why are you so late today?", Mrs Shrestha's voice called out.Arjun greeted her reluctantly and said, "I got delayed at the office, Mrs. Shrestha. But why have you been sitting here since so long?""I am waiting for the taxi", she replied in a distant voice."Oh! Is everything all right?", asked Arjun concerned.

disclaimer : googled pic.

 Mrs. Shrestha rose from her chair and walked towards the stone banister behind which Aamir was standing. She leaned over, looked straight into his Eyes and said, "You see, I've hurt my neck and i need to get some medicine for it. Mr. Shrestha, as you know is down with fever."

 Aamir heard himself saying, "If it is urgent, I can fetch the medicine for you. "I would be grateful if you could take me to 24 hours pharmacy near the medical collage", she said.

disclaimer : googled pic.

For a moment Aamir thought of informing Maya first. But somehow, he decided otherwise and escorted Mrs Shrestha to his car. Seeing Aamir leaving again at that hour, the watchman gave him a quizzical look while opening the gate. The drive was uneasy and cold. Whenever he looked at Mrs. Shrestha, he saw her staring ahead without any discernible emotion.

  Just when they were about to reach the pharmacy, she suddenly said, "I am sorry but can we go back now? I don't think I need the medicine now." Aamir politely asked her if she was sure she was okay, and turned back towards home. On a drive back, they didn't speak at all. The watchman readily opened the gate. After he escorted her back to her flat entrance, "Thank you so much. I troubled you unnecessarily.""Its all right Mrs. Shrestha, I hope your neck is better now", he replied."Yes, it was only this thin, reddish eruption here, which seems okay now", she said while running her finger around her neck before walking back onto the dark verandah. Aamir stepped in the elevator, mulling over the whole affair. It was last thought in his mind even as he went to the bed later.

"Get up for god's sake, get up quickly!! the police are here", said Maya in an anxious voice. Aamir woke with a start and jumped out of the bed. They opened the main door to find the inspector and several constables bustling around. "Sorry, Mr. Acharya, you had to be be woken up so early. I am inspector Ajay Gupta", the man introduced himself and said, "I believe you returned very late last night. The watch man informs me that after parking your car, you again went out and then returned after a while?", he inquired."That is correct. But is this all about inspector?" 

"You see, we want to know if you noticed anything suspicious around the Shrestha's flat when you passed by their front porch twice yesterday. You may be surprised to hear. Mr. Shrestha passed away two days ago in his bed, and Mrs Shrestha didn't inform anyone. His body was left lying in his bed, and last night around 8 pm, Mrs Shrestha committed suicide by hanging herself to the ceiling fan on the porch. Unfortunately, it seems no one noticed her hanging from there as it was quite dark", said the inspector.

Aamir felt numb shock. "When was she discovered?", he asked weakly."This morning when the daylight broke, the watchman saw her hanging from the fan. We will have to record your statement Mr. Acharya", said the inspector as he took his leave.

disclaimer : googled pic.

Many days have passed since the Shrestha's were cremated together by the residents of the building. These days, Aamir avoids getting back late at night or looking towards Shrestha's porch. The statement that the watchman gave the police nags him constantly. Watchman had narrated- "Aamir sahib came back alone in his car and then stood for a while near Shrestha's boundry wall. In a short while, I saw him driving out. Thinking that he must have forgotten something, I opened the gate. Within 10 minutes, he drove back, parked his car, went up to the entrance of the Shrestha's flat and paused for a while there, before getting into the lift. HE WAS ALONE ALL THE WHILE."

*THE END*
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a search for souls

     My eyes opened, to see Kathmandu soften in the early morning rain. Stretching I gazed out of my bedroom window, the cold and the wet outside making me languid as I lay under my toasty covers. I loved this view and for the past one and half years i.e. since my collage life started, I've loved waking up to it.


I literally had to push myself to get off the bed in the cold december especially after week long enjoyment of sports week. I some how did manage to get up then hurriedly got myself cleaned and rushed to the collage. On the way i could see the news-vendors shivering in the cold and everybody busy in their morning chores. I could hear conductors yelling at the top of their voice "Ratnapark Ratnapark, dai jane ho? aaunu euta seat khali cha". I had always thought about these boys and no wonder i was doing the same that very day.


As i was crossing the bridge, struggling the cold and the ever increasing odour from the so called holy river, I met her. I found the whole situation rather fishy. In that particular moment itself I could feel whirlpool of things. I was filled with the feelings of anxiety, curiosity and irritability all together. Most of all, I suddenly felt cold fear dripping down on my back and I hoped against hope. Now she was much closer and I could see her approaching me. She hesitantly walked towards me, expecting me to say or do something -- not realizing that, for me even to say hello would be too much effort at that moment. I struck my hand for a lightening fast shake and drawled blandly, "hello Pooja, what a surprise." without waiting for answer, i moved forward and mumbled over my shoulder for her to watch me going...

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     THE HISTORY :: I met Pooja in the school. I knew, from the start, we were going to be great friends. But, the electricity I felt coursing through by body with just a look or touch, never let me be 100% comfortable around her. Our friendship changed gears and escalated to another level. The first time we kissed. I can't quite explain how I felt, but I can tell you that, when my hand slid behind her and pulled her closer, as our lips touched my soul miraculously reached out of me to hold her. I could have let go and yet we would not have been apart. I lost something that day more than just my heart.

     But things got complicated and i skipped the institution (i.e. school to collage) not long after I stopped calling her, cowardly I know, but I decided I wanted to stay in one piece than to try and brave it out to the end, only to find I can' make it. So I put time and distance between us. I told myself I am worth a lot more than this two-minded fool and two faced beauty who couldn't figure out whether or not she cared for me and I let her go...

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     Yes, I did let go but until I met her on the bridge that day. I met her very next day too. After a fake salutations and a cold handshake we shared between us I walked away. I thought to myself why could she just not let ourselves without each other in our lives. But then I remembered that kiss and how I had felt about my soul out of my body. The fact I my soul is still with her, indeed. For hours, I sat in my balcony counting the stars that night, unwilling to think or to dream that I could be with my soul once again. I remembered all the pain and the times that she said she cared but had forgotten to add "only for a while." I wasn't going to give in, I had no guarantees that it wasn't going to be any different. Making up my mind, I stormed to call her.

         "Pooja, I am sorry but I don't think we should talk or see each other again."

     With that I thought I ended the relationship (which had no specific name), only to remorse later. I questioned, "why would i even bother calling her, after all we were all out of touch." Besides this callers remorse the fact that i still remembered her phone number left me pondering and exasperated. That remained unanswered  or rather I only thought what I wanted to.

     Life turned, I must admit, bleak. I would bump into Pooja sometimes on the same spot but would never say anything to each other. Once, she began to speak but at last she turned and walked away.

     I would reach home, ponder all those awkward meeting we would have. I could figure what work brought her to the place near my home, Kupandole. Curiosity got better of me and I called a common friend of ours, "Rahul , supp? this is Shailesh calling." we talked for a while. I figured that Pooja would come there on the bridge everyday just to meet me. Rahul told her the time I would pass through that bridge.

     "why didn't you tell me this before, u dick?"...

     "....its b'coz she asked me not to tell you ....she wants a second chance with you."

     She was afraid that if he told me, she would not get the second chance. She came to Kupandole just for me.  After I hung up, I sat there for a while and thought there is only one thing for me to do now. I walked into her room. I apologized for not reciprocating the feelings. She apologized too for not understanding my love for her while in school. We gave each other a hug and there I felt something different. I'VE GOT HER SOUL, I THOUGHT. I'VE GOT HER SOUL....!!!!

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