Life is this big fat stinking mess and I am trying to figure it out.

     I am currently staring blank at the screen. Still staring.

     
     I decided that I would write today. What about? I do not know. But write I must. Its something that I have enjoyed doing / pursuing but.. but.. life happened (I have a knack for DRAMA). So let's get on with it, shall we?

     I turned 28 yesterday. Yes, TWENTY friggin' EIGHT. And if you have known me at all, you would also know how often I would mention that 28 would be the perfect age. At 28, you are neither too old nor young. You neither look like an uncooked pasta nor a burnt toast - So to say you look just right; like a ripe fruit ready to be eaten. And above all you do not have to live through pang of age 29 when you would stress over how you are turning 30. Ahh!! You see, I fantasized about age 28 quite a lot. My younger self thought I would have figured out everything by the time I would be 28. And at 28, I AM STILL FIGURING. And silly as you might think I am - by 28, I thought, I would have a home of my own, a burgeoning career, fantastic look, and many more stuff that would be embarrassing for me if I mention them now. To sum it up I had a vision of myself as a grown-up. It included making large abstract paintings in a huge barn (I used to paint then), or perhaps, write. I pictured being the kind of man who owned a barn that had been converted into a painting studio with cozy corners where I would write as well. I pictured having a stained glass window in the barn. I wanted to own horses too and tons of other animals. I do not know where I thought I would keep the horses if I were painting in the barn or writing in those cozy corners. May be that's what being optimistic is like. You do not worry about where the horses are going to sleep. Now, I am pragmatic. #FactoNotVerba

     My point is life has not turned up exactly like I thought it would. If you asked me not too long ago (let's say last year) where I saw myself in a year, I would tell you that this was not it. Everything I am right now is nothing like I thought I would have been. And may be that's the beauty of it. So may be this year will be amazing for me. Or may be not. I would be better at what I am doing, progress and may be 28 would be everything I thought it would be. Or not. Or may be tomorrow meteor will smash the earth, another earthquake will wreck it's havoc, or it won't. Life is this big fat stinking mess. BUT THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT TOO. Age 28 and life is what I make of it. And you see I already have vision for when I turn 30. Because, WHY NOT?

     And.. by 28 I wanted to have people around me who I love and eventually plan my life with. And at 27, I decided I would spend my special day with those special people. And I did. Sanyukta, Usha, Sarthak and Triyug. Thank you for everything. This post is for you guys. Stay insanely happy and weird.

Love XX.

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But a child at heart...

     

     

      But a child at heart...

    Last year this day I spoke to all who gathered for my birthday dinner themed "The Last Supper." Many of whom I would not see after that day. One of the biggest and the most precious chapter of my life was coming to an end - now clearly a past and a fond memory. And now, just a year later, I couldn't be much happier. Coming back to Kathmandu and not knowing what the next move should be was frightening. But in retrospect its been an adventure like a leisurely summer picnic. Its been one of the most important years of my life and I have all of you to thank for it (you all know who you are). And now I know that embracing the change wholeheartedly is not a bad idea. With the right attitude and the right people "the change" could be exactly what you need. Life is good. And with everything going on I must be God's favorite child. And I'll definitely use all of your wishes. Thank you.

     And to the ones back in Shanghai (and scattered elsewhere) - you guys are still the brightest star in my life.

Stay insanely happy!

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Never apologize for selfies. NEVER.

Because its been around since centuries. Great creative minds do it. Why shouldn't we?

Waves hello. Waves goodbye.

     

     My home screen reads "January 1." Exactly this time last year I was pulling out the confetti's from my hair from the previous night. I looked at my friend and asked what will become of me the next year. I was about to graduate and I had doubts about 2013. We are if anything, creatures of habit - drawn to the safety and comfort of the familiar. The idea of a new life scared me a little. But turned out new was good. In fact it was great. It is really important to to look back and see how much you've grown. If you look back, you see that, in many cases, things happened exactly the way they needed to be. So this new year my wish for you all is to embrace the change whole heatedly. And who knows you might even start liking the change. 2013 was a beautiful and very important chapter of my life. Now clearly a past. Enough reasons to celebrate aaie? =))

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Ode to my city - Kathmandu.

Do your puja and then for the love of Kathmandu, step out. Take a walk or take a ride but step out. My goodness, you look beautiful my love, my Kathmandu. (In love again) <3 (My Facebook update).

     It was cold. It was beautiful. Every space filled with light. It was beautiful. Our decision to drive around the city was a good call. We, as in I and my friends, were listening to "Facing West" by The Staves in a loop. This moment was perfect. Beautiful and perfect. I fell in love with the city again (like I ever stopped loving it).

     Dipawali is my favorite festival, always been. Reminds me of everything good in life - light, music, food, family, fun and above all the palpable happiness all around me.

     As we were crossing the bridge in Kupondole, I decided to get off the car. They followed and then we stared at nothingness - silently. My goodness I missed this for six years. Six years of Dipawali lights. Six years of this magical moment. Six years of of Kathmandu at its best. At that moment, at that exact moment I could have been the happiest person alive. Dear blog buds, I wish you get the things you deserve and most importantly deserve the things you get. Stay insaney happy - now and always. =))

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Romancing the Winter.

Winter winds - be kind.

Blow them clouds away.

I need stars to blanket the night sky.

I need them to twinkle,

to entertain me.

I watch the train of traffic in a distance,

each with burning headlights.

- Yellow and Red.

And when I look up there is a silhouette of a bird.

Flying.

Free.

And beautiful (so beautiful).

I think of me,

- My life, as I juggle my eyes between the silhouette, yellow and red.

I wonder when did the minute changes took place from then to now.

How beautiful it (my life) was and how it still is.

Ahhh, thank you life.

Eyes still searching for stars.

Oh Winter! Be kind.

#shyless

(30th October - 2013)

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The Beautiful End.

     If I am a Romeo then Shanghai would be my Juliet. This however is not an ode to the city that I love. Past 6 years have been a precious chapter of my life - but things end. And quite sadly even the good things do. Last month I went through goodbye of multitude so high that it left a lump in my heart. Now in Kathmandu, the other city I looovvveee, I have all the time in the world to reflect upon the fairy tale like 6 years that I spent in Shanghai. Like every good story have some heroes, mine had some too. It was particularly hard to say goodbye to those. Among the stars in my life they will forever shine the brightest. So this is for them. Not for Shanghai, not for Kathmandu but only for them.

The end...

The beginning...

Perhaps this is the end,

Or the new beginning is it?

They say nothing comes with guarantees,

but right this moment as I write and pause

my beating heart loves you-

like a friend, a brother and a family.

Loves you,

like the only way I should.

And oh'dear - moments makes life.

And I dedicate this moment to you.

And how do I put it short and sweet?

Let's just say-

One day when you are in the crowded room-

full of strangers.

And you need a friend,

I will smile from across the room-

for you - Just for you.

<3
(7th July - 2013)

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Such different lives we live.

(turns the radio on)
I fiddle the knob of the radio.
Roam the dial for the distant sounds -
on the short and long wavelengths.
Stretch the antenna,
that towers high above my head.
Strange whispering.
Hiss and Hoosh.
Rising of the ocean.
Falling of a distant tree.
Dit dit and Dot dot.
Monks chanting vespers.
Booming of a Big Ben.
Lovers kissing.
Kingdoms falling.
Children laughing their heart's content.
Woes of mother over her dead child.
Bullets, bombs and missiles.
Stories.
Voices.
Songs.
Plays.
BBC.
Life...

Such different lives we live.
Wish I could live them all.
(turns the radio off)
#shyless

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until life responds back...

     "And above all else, remember : Life is infinitely more awesome than what you see on a postcards and Facebook photos." With this I ended the conversation with the friend who was mulling over the fact that he feels trapped and that life is just not shaping up the way he wanted. Sure, we've all had the moments of crisis. We've all done considerable soul searching and panicked. But it is easy to forget how perfectly life works out. When you are down, you believe that things never work in your favor. But if you look back, you see that, in many cases, things happened exactly the way they needed to be.

     My friend's brother just travelled all the way across the globe to Brazil. Took ample pictures with Cristo Redentor, walked on the sandy shores of Copacabana. Posted around 200 pictures (seriously!!!) on Facebook just to make sure everyone knows he made it there. It was both of their dreams to go there. And now that his brother made it there, gives the considerable reasons to get some mini pangs in his heart. I understand the feeling completely. I mean, if life had been as I imagined it to be I'd have travelled half the globe by now. Not to mention how incredibly filthy rich I thought I'd be by this time. We've all got the word for it, "DREAMS." And simply because its not happening now doesn't mean it won't happen ever. Sometimes we eye the grass on the other side of the fence so much so that we forget and ignore the green pastures under our feet. And pastures aren't bad either. My friend, still young, has done pretty good job as well - he's got a decent job, steady relation (5 years is good), travelled a lot (and sure Brazil is not too far). Sometimes, we just need to butt our head against the wall and come back to our senses. For all I know his brother is stalking my friend's Facebook and feeling bad over tons of stuff he's missing out on (including the friend like me, yay)! So dear blog buds don't you dare to forget that the  life is infinitely more awesome than what you see on a postcards and Facebook photos. Keep dreaming until life responds and gives you a grizzly hug. Stay insanely happy.

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Imagined our way through childhoods.

''Mum, I'd be back in a bit."

"Finish your homework first... Shailesh, come back before dinner."

     Fuck Facebook.  Outside… the original source of social networking! Ahhh... Kids today could probably learn a lot from putting technology aside for a second or two and getting out to enjoy the outdoors like we did growing up. They (as in parents) would call our names out on top of their voices, time and time again, to come inside for supper or a bath. Scarred, bruised and  heavy hearted (in fear of mumsies shouting at us), we'd return back home.
     I guess, outdoors was safer place back then. Man we sure would climb that guava trees only to be bashed later by Yamuna auntie (Oopsy! had to name), adopt those mongrel dogs (and would give 'em some weird local names Kaale, Khaire, Nakaale, Haku), fight for cheap bets. And as for our imaginations! Oh boy could we have fun with a piece of wood. I remember once I had this round metal. I'd play with it and turn deaf ears to my mum's protest for days. Later, my dad had to take it away (turned out it was a door knob). I was so upset. It was shiny and metallic and all the other kids wanted one. We just imagined our way through our childhoods and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
     And don't even let be begin about outdoor hiking and mini picnic. As I look back, am glad those things happened. I don't remember watching Jurassic park at home (actually, I do. Hello it's like my ultimate favorite movie). I don't remember playing video games with my cousins (don't recall much). But I remember how we promised each other among our friends to run through the graveyard at night (and we did and I was terrified), I remember how one of our friends was bullied and most importantly how we took his side and fought valiantly, I remember I fell into... (am such a motormouth. Shall not and will not discuss where I fell), those midnight ramblings on the balcony, phewww!!!
     Much on contrary, kids now days flash their motion sensor kits, PS3's, X-box. I'll bite my tongue and that admit these amenities are pretty darn cool but they've no idea that they are denying the "making of wonderful memories" they'll cherish later in their life. I just hope they get the chance to balance it out after all we meet real friends out in the wild and not while down with wire. And you Facebook addicts and Tweetaholics garb on to your sanity and just balance it out. I'll try to do the same. Until then how about organizing a picnic. Or else Friday night getaways. Do me a favor and get DRUNK while at it. Tell me how it was :)

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Jumping into the DARK!!!

     If you asked me last year where I saw myself in a year, I would tell you that this wasn’t it. Everything I am right now is nothing like I thought I would have been. The way things are in general are nothing like I thought they would be. I've been meaning to blog. For starters, blogging form the self proclaimed "middle kingdom (China)" isn't exactly an easy job. Its tedious and time consuming. It has blocked the blogging stratosphere and one needs to use proxies and VPN's to filter through. And also my personal life has turned upside down (for good). Relations have been defined and there's just too much happening and too many things to write about. I opted the easy way out by letting the time take its course. And "Cross the bridge when you reach there" theory has been working out just fine with me.
     Going back to the main topic, as I said, I could never have foreseen what was about to happen in my life. Destiny took its course and now I marvel at how life does its best not to cease you off of serendipity's. Few years back I had to let some people go. To see people I couldn’t live without walk away from my life (for the reasons utterly important and undeniable) wasn't an easy thing. But tables turned. I met few of those people just few weeks ago and I realized resilience has taken its toll. I'm deplete of any feeling for them. I don't feel anything. It was like the churned up old thoughts that had settled in the manner of the sediment to the bottom of the pond. And of friendships. To see the true friendships finally be revealed. Seeing time fly by in the blink of an eye and feeling like nothing ever changes. Feeling like everything has stayed the same throughout these days, yet looking back to this exact time last year (or year before that), everything is different.

     And if you multiply the years backwards, you'll see that life has turned out really different from what you had planed out of it. People you wanted to hold onto lost touch eventually. Heart broken and fixed. Lost love and found it again. Still confused in regards to what you want to do with your life. Well these are usual symptoms posing as a common denominator in each one of our lives (part and parcel of being a human). You look into other peoples life as a spectator, stalk their Facebook profiles. You think they've figured out everything. That they are the happiest beings alive. Well get this straight it's the voluntary deception of the top order. People only post happy and pretty pictures. I mean who'll post the fugly pictures of themselves?
     There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch that’s thrown at them. We aren't made that way. In fact, we’re made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble and fall. We aren't supposed to be able to handle everything. But that’s what makes us stronger in the end, by learning from the things that hurt us the most. Yes, I was taught to look before I leap, but I was also taught a little something about fun and adventure. Every now and then you just have to dive into a situation head first, without looking too hard. Maybe you’ll crash and burn, or maybe it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done. My life is nothing like I planned 5 years ago and I deduce that 5 years from now it won't be anything like am planning it be. So, might we all jump in a dark and figure out whatever it is to be figured later? Aren't we all supposed to believe and do what makes sense to us? What makes sense to me might be weird for you. So, be it. We aren't the standardized, processed cookies meant to look, taste and feel the same. Exercise your liberty and stay insanely happy. Hasta luego blog buddies.

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between the ticks and the tocs.

     Much awaited Friday is here. And it's a day off. So, practically weekend starts right now for me.
     It's 7:53. Way too early for me to be up and typing. I used to love getting up early (back when I was a high school kid). Mini morning walks and walking a dog were such delights. To sum up I had fun creating a the time to savor my morning. And today am thinking what happened to that guy!!! Time devoured me and I'm not a morning person at all, not now. PAUSE. I just opened my curtain. I drink in the rising sun like a cup of coffee.
     Past few months I've been busy travelling and attending people who came to visit Shanghai. Even as I type I've a friend in a room who came to visit me from across the continent. Needless to say we've been busy city trotting and planning new things to do. That apart, school keeps me busy. With so much going on in my life, I've realized how easy it is to get caught up in where you are going in life - rather than enjoying where you are.
     And where I'm is right here. It's between the two solid second hand sounds of the clock that life happens. I've actively participated all my life - in terms of decisions and choices, in creating the life I have right now. All the choices and people I've met led me to this very moment where I sit and type. And instead of taking in a long breath and savoring it, I find myself looking ahead of me. Yes, it's between the silent and swift tick-tocks of the second hand of the clock that life happens.
     PAUSE. Thoughts shrugged off. I remind myself "Quality of the present time is all that matters. Make it Joyous." I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee and dedicating a day for myself (Whoelse???). And wishing you all the same - Day Full of Joy. Yay*

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MTV cribs taught me to dream big!!!

Part 1 : As of now.

     Its cold Saturday afternoon. I've been listening to "papi chulo" like dumb blond. And out of nowhere a thought crossed my mind, "follow your gut feeling." I know cliched but its powerfully true at the same time. And it suddenly became "A need to blog this moment."

Part 2 : Papa don't preach!!!

     Nobody knows you better than yourself. So you might as well put logic's to rest and follow your gut feeling (you see, gut feeling is not exactly like hunches!!!). At least you'd end up doing what you feel like and there's nobody to blame except for yourself. *Wowser* The core of man's spirit come's from new experience. And our audacity to chastise ourselves to not experience new empiricism. So go chase a dream. Chances are that you'll achieve some percentage of the things you want (if not 100%)... but the fact of the matter is that you might achieve it all. I'd be a hypocrite if I say I've followed my gut feeling all along. I was one of those kids you know, the kinds who weren't sure of what they wanted from life and to be honest am still confused. When opportunity presented itself (I got full scholarship / ahhh... stop am I'm not bragging or I'm) in a medical school, I grabbed it. But was I sure of what I picked was the right thing for me? "HELL to the NO!!!" Oh'yes, I risked it all and thank gosh it's working out for me. I plan to do something else though. Something related to medical field yet something radical. And you guessed it... I'm in confused state of mind. My gut feeling says finish the med school (1 and 1/2 years to go), get the medical license and I'll figure out the aftermath when I have to. Cross the bridge when you get there.

Part 3 : Look who's talking!!! *eye-rolls*

     Let's say if I weren't playing it safe, what would I do then? Oh'well I always wanted to start the magazine of my own (which kinds... I donno), I always wanted to be documentary film-maker (I twaddled about it while in school, to the point almost everybody knew about it), I always wanted to open chic bar in Ktm town (o'course I've it all figured out in my head)... Oh!!! wishes, dreams, whims but as Pussy Cat Dolls would put it, "careful what you wish for coz' you just might get it."

Part 4 : Uncle Universe, will you make my dreams come TRUE?

     I believe in THE UNIVERSE. I believe if you really want something (not the whimsical one's), like really want something; UNIVERSE has its way of giving it to you. You just need keep your eyes wide open. And dreams do come true, just one at a time. If you've been dreaming of huge well furnished condo with swimming pool and all (MTV cribs might have influenced your dream here #just sayin') chances are that you would get 'em. Here's the catch, "one at a time." And who knows you might just get better than what you bargained for.

Part 5 : Fanciful Footnote *yay*

     First of, follow your gut feeling. Some will get angry, some disappointed but life is so very short. You blink once and there's the new day. So just prioritize yourself and rest will follow. (Oh'no, I sound selfish o.O).
     So I'll continue dreaming and quite possibly Uncle UNIVERSE will respond to my not so futile dreams and you'd one day come visit me in my bar (in Ktm town o'course). Sipping, reminiscing and reading my magazine just next to the fireplace mantel where I'll put all my awards won as a documentary film-maker. And I read somewhere that, "it's not the dreamers who dream in their sleep who you should be afraid of, it's those who dream with their eyes wide open." So dream on *losers*

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memories last a lifetime

     Sometimes I review notes of the latest story I am working on. As I sit there gnawing on the end of my pen, random new thoughts pass through my head and get cleared for take-off on their own connecting flights to oblivion. I scribble some quick notes as they lift off hoping the disjointed and haphazard nature of them may lead to a story. Mostly, though, I play games with the faces I see, and on the recent extended evening walk on the bridge (as discussed in my previous post shang-high-ness), that's all I ended up doing. Surge of nostalgic thoughts passed through my mind. Of the times I lived and laughed. Of all people I bade farewell to. Memory is a treasure valuable than gold and I know, all of you know that just right. Today, I share with you all something which is very personal and dear to me. Below is the poem that was written and sent to me about a year ago by a person who was and (still is) important to me. Though it might be meaningless to you all but it's one of the best gifts I've ever received... We lost touch eventually (because there was no other option, the way we saw it) but then again memories last a lifetime... this one certainly will!!

"poem through a grey sky

through thousands of miles

even through another life

you seized my mind...

a smile that never shivers

eyes burning in the inside

tanned skin

dark hair

this silhouette

deeply anchored in my mind

bringing a feeling of happiness in my soul 

warming a hand frozen by this land...

continue to move

continue to dream

burning down the roof

warming up the rift

cherishing this chance to share with you

some amazing moments in my life

souvenirs and memories

written in thoughts of scarf..."

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shrestha family ambulance kanda!!

     Reminiscing the day that was. I guess the starlet of the whole event should have been hamro phucche bhai Aadarsh but due to this awesomely unforgettable event that happened lil' after Aadarsha's tonsure ceremony, he will forever be secondary to this main event. I won't write everything that happened not because its not interesting but if I do that might end up embarrassing  whole lot of people. I can only imagine what must have been going through each of our minds. Least I can say is that, we deserved every bit of it for being disobedient denizens of Kathmandu and not obliging to many Kathmandu bands that were normal as anything. But am glad it happened, we came up with this awesome story to tell and laugh about. I can barely recall who were in the ambulance with me that day but we all are thankful to Banepa ko maa for being the super actress she was and protecting us all....!!
Without her, lets just say, the story would have been much more spicier and one of us might have ended up losing an eye or a limb. Cheers Family. To the good times. Stay insanely happy guys.

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my big fat nepalese gang!!

     Wherever in the world you are now,

     Due to life circumstances, controllable, unavoidable or otherwise, keeping up and staying in touch with friends has become somewhat of an issue. So much so that we loose that friendship and in most cases we don't even mind loosing it. It is an issue on two levels, one, I keep thinking about them and two, I keep wondering how the friendship could have evolved with extended time. Now the second factor is interesting, and also opens up some questions. I have been accused, indicted, commented upon, in varying degrees of fashion that I do not open up enough to friends around me, hence limiting the extent of the level of intimacy that I can share with the friend. This I have to admit is TRUE, despite myself being an open book, often prattling upon random bits of information that society considers inappropriate, private, socially unconventional or otherwise.

      Its not that I intend to keep arms length away from people. I can only offer a few explanations as to why that is the case( if you were wondering why I was distant from you as a friend).

     In hindsight when I look back at college, I realised for the most part with most people, I need to spend an extended period of time with an individual before that person actually becomes my friend. Only a couple of people are exempt from this- you know who you are.

     For example going to class with someone twice a week does not suffice. And may I also add that due to my own lack of effort, most friendships I had with college classmates stayed on a superficial level. Looking back it pained me to realise that a few individuals out there liked me as friend, made and effort, and I didn't return the favor. So then I learned, that I needed to make an effort, and open to up to people.Then again also I do connect with some individuals better than others-this is rather unavoidable given my background. I was also thankful that I chose to rekindle the lost friendships, and moved some friendships away from the incubation stage.

     I sometimes give myself the benefit of excuses such as " oh if its meant to be, its meant to be", giving too much importance to the element of probability. If the extent of time spent with a person is a factor in my friendships-perhaps this is a something I need to learn how to overcome, given the demands of time and attention placed on us. But then overall, I was grateful for those I met, and those I shared good times and bad times with, even if I was with them for a short time.

     Of course, if our friendship stayed solid over years, I think there is something to celebrate, don't you think?

     Least i can do is try to keep in touch and avoid the tag"i am busy"..!!<and this tag my fren is nothin' but a big fat horseshit>

     And I miss you.AND STAY INSANELY HAPPY ALL OF U:p

(1st October 2010)

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